


This is my choice

by SugarcoatedBrain



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Capsicle (Marvel), Captain America: The First Avenger, Fear of Death, Gen, Hurt Steve Rogers, Light Angst, Memories, Near Death, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Protect Steve Rogers at all costs, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, The First Avenger compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-20 01:02:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20666723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SugarcoatedBrain/pseuds/SugarcoatedBrain
Summary: When Steve crashed the plane into the ocean, he was sitting on the pilot's seat. But when he was found back, he was lying in a block of ice.What happened during the handful of minutes that the plane took to drown at the bottom of the ocean?





	This is my choice

**Author's Note:**

> This kept me thinking for hours when I rewatched Captain America: The First Avenger. We leave Steve in the pilot's seat of the plane but in The Avengers, Steve is lying in a block of ice. What if Steve hadn't lost consciousness instantly after the crash? What if he had a couple of minutes, reflecting on his life, his loved ones and his choices?
> 
> This is probably heartbreaking but remember that Steve eventually came out of the ice. He just didn't know that yet.
> 
> •☆──────✧☆★☆✧──────☆•
> 
> My first language being French, I apologize for any mistake I could have done. Feel free to correct me, I'm not gonna be butthurt about it!
> 
> You can find me on Twitter, on @FlickeringWords, if you want to discuss the story or anything, for all that matters. I'm a bit chatty so I enjoy any conversation ;)
> 
> Lots of love,  
Navy Xx

The plane hadn’t exploded. For a couple of seconds, the world had turned dark, though, and he had been breathless but he quickly made it back to the light. This had been his choice. This was what he was meant to do. In the blur that followed the crash, Steve realized something: he was cold. He was so cold that the skin on his face was tingling. It hadn’t happened in months, ever since he got injected with the super soldier serum. Before that, Steve was always cold. He’d bury himself in knitted sweaters and scarves and coats every winter and he’d had trouble letting go of jackets in the summers. Last year Steve was always so cold that his hands would turn pink and his lips would turn blue. Bucky used to make fun of him for that, but he would always come by every Christmas with a knitted sweater that his mom had made for his best friend. He was the one who told him that newspapers were a nice barrier against the cold. Bucky poked fun but he never was mean. He probably would have sneered at his very personal way of finding trouble again. But Bucky wasn’t here anymore.

The front window of the plane had been smashed a few minutes ago. Steve knew that. He had felt the wind on his face before the ice shattered the glass even more. Now, it was just a block of ice against his skin that prevented the water from entering the cockpit even more. But Steve knew it was just a matter of time. With the cold from the ice, the cold from the water, the cold from the air, he would most likely freeze. He found solace in the fact that the water was rising, sure it was slow, but the stream was constant. Before he’d freeze, he’d probably drown. It’d make it less painful, at least.

For now, his head was spinning and his ears were ringing. From his distant memories, he guessed he had a concussion, which would be a nightmare if he wasn’t stronger than ever. With his current strength, surely enough the effects wouldn’t last more than a day. Too bad Steve wouldn’t know for sure about that. Sighing, he sat back on the pilot’s seat and rubbed his face. He could feel the gash on his cheek, seeping thick red blood that stained the back of his prickling hand. That would have left a scar but he knew his skin would regenerate. Too bad he’d be dead before it’d happen.

He didn’t have much time, so the first thing he tried was to get the radio working. He didn’t say goodbye. He had to say goodbye. He had to tell her. He had to tell her that he really, truly loved her. That he was happy he got to know her. He had to tell Peggy that it was okay. She had to understand. God, he hoped she understood. She had to reassure him, she had to say goodbye too. But the radio was dead and the static coming back from it was far from warming his heart. So Steve did the best he could with what he had, as always. He unbuckled himself with difficulty, his chest aching and his arms numb. He scrabbled around to find back his compass that fell during the crash and found it underneath the seat. He knew the item by heart, now. The metal was smooth, it was heavy in his hand and now, it was as cold as the rest of this damn plane. Thank God, though, it had been caught in the feet on the seat and hadn’t rolled down to the water. The picture was still neat inside, Peggy’s face starring back at him with now a softness that he didn’t think she had in her. Ever since he met her, she had been a constant in his life. The first time they met, she was towering over him, looking down on him like he was a dumb kid who enrolled himself in something that was far from his field. But here she was, with her dark red lips and her perfectly pinned hair, looking down on him like countless of girls had done before and Steve’s heart started beating faster. It hadn’t happened in years, ever since his mom passed away. Bucky had tried to make him meet some new girls, to get him a date, but whenever they’d see him, they’d walk away. Peggy had been the first who stayed. Her gaze had changed as she had started to really know him. When he had got that dumb flag from this dumb pole, he almost saw a glint of pride in her eyes. Suddenly he wasn’t weak anymore; he was damn smart. And then, he was brave. Brave to jump on a grenade to save his company. Brave to agree to be a laboratory rat. Brave to get into a plane to save soldiers. Brave to jump from a plane in the middle of a shooting area. Sure enough, they got into fights here and there. He still could remember the time he hid behind his shield as she was shooting at him. He had just been kissed and she had caught him red-handed. He guessed she was a little bit jealous but never mentioned anything. Peggy was kind of scary sometimes and she was too fierce to be reduced to that. So instead, he tried to gain back her trust as much as possible and it worked. Barely an hour ago, she had kissed him before he climbed on board of this stupid plane. She had grabbed the strap on his chest and pulled him in herself. She didn’t wait for him to get his head out of his ass. She knew it was dangerous and she knew he needed it more than he would have admitted it. It had felt nice but Steve had wished maybe she had done that at another time. Not when he was about to fight the big bad guy. Not when his window of action was closing in on him. Not when he wasn’t really able to enjoy it to its fullest. For a quarter of a second, Steve had wished it was only the beginning. That he’d come back to her after that and that she’d let him kiss her again, so he could enjoy the taste of her lips and the softness of her skin beneath the tips of his fingers. He wished he could smell her perfume. He wished he could gently grab her face between his hands. He wished it was the start of their own story. It was their first kiss. But now, Steve knew that it was their last as well.

Peggy deserved better than that. She deserved a man that would be there for her. She deserved to be loved unconditionally and to be wrapped into strong arms. She deserved to be held. Steve wasn’t a strong believer, he had faith and he believed in God but he wasn’t the kind to place prayers and to fall on his knees. Still, he surprised himself that day, sending a wish to God that Peggy would find someone, someday, that would take her dancing. She didn’t deserve the grief he was giving her. He just hoped that she wouldn’t be too sad about it. He wasn’t expecting her to stay alone, mourning the love story they could have got. Steve was a temporary guy in her life and she was strong enough to find some other guy. He prayed that this guy would treat her well. That he’d do whatever Steve would have done with her. That he’d make her happy. But for the time being, Steve was allowed to be heartbroken. Peggy was the first woman who accepted him when he was skinny and weak and liked him anyway. The fact that he had been enhanced wasn’t the reason why she liked him back. It was his heart and his mind that mattered to her, something that even the serum couldn’t have influence on. Steve was scared of death, like any other human, but the scariest part of it all was that he didn’t know what would happen to him in an existence without Peggy. And if there wasn’t anything at all, then at least he wouldn’t miss her. But Steve believed in afterlife and the idea of waiting for her wasn’t appealing. He wished her a long life, he wished he wouldn’t see her again before at least seventy years. But when it’d happen, she’d probably be in love with someone else and she wouldn’t be as happy as he’d be to be together again. Maybe she’d let him get a dance, after all this time. Maybe it’d be better if there was nothing, after all.

The air was colder and colder. It was so cold that his cheeks were prickling and that his eyes were stinging. Pushing the zipper of his uniform’s jacket down, he slid the compass over his heart, wishing it’d give him just a few minutes more. He could feel his heart speeding up, a certain effect of the hypothermia he was getting. The ringing in his ears had been dialed down but now he could feel his blood pressure pumping a crazy rhythm in his skull. He knew it was the end. He knew the temperature was gonna get him bad. So he zipped his jacket up again and laid there, at the highest part of the plane, watching the water and the lights coming from it dancing before him. He could see the blue hues waltzing on the walls around him, bathing the cockpit into an ethereal light. If this was the last thing on Earth he’d see, then so be it. At least it wasn’t the barrel of a gun. At least, it was a train speeding up and away from him. At least it wasn’t a cliff he was falling from.

Bucky didn’t get funerals. They never found his body back. The snow was dense back there in the Austrian Alps and they couldn’t find anything. Steve had tried to ask to be dispatched there, just for a couple of days, to try and get him back, but even being a captain didn’t make him immune to orders. He could have sent them all to hell but his team needed him and he couldn’t let them down. Bucky didn’t have a lot of family. But when Steve had to write to his sister, it sure broke his heart in a million of pieces. Rebecca never wrote back. Steve assumed she was too sad and pissed at him for involving her brother in his shit to answer. They had a night off, with the team, when they drank to his memory but Steve couldn’t get drunk anymore, even though he tried really hard. Instead, he went back to the bar they used to go together and found it destroyed from a bomb. He grabbed the first bottle he could find behind the shattered counter and he cried. A lot. When Peggy showed up, he was close to be a mess. He got into that stage while she was holding his hand, drawing small circles with her thumb on his skin. She left him a few hours later, after quickly offering him a side hug and a kiss on his temple. If Bucky had been there, he would have howled at him. Finally, his boy getting some action from the girl he liked! But Bucky had fallen down the train and he couldn’t have done anything to save him. Steve smashed his glass on the wall in front of him and got back up to fight.

Bucky had died in the cold, alone. At least, if there was an afterlife, they’d laugh about it together. They’d laugh at the two morons they were, together even in death. But so far, Steve was mostly scared of what would happen next. He had been brave for so long, he was allowed a minute or two of pure fright, right? Lying there, on the chilly metal of the cockpit, he thought about his best friend and all they went through together. Bucky was the best of them both to him. Sure he was a bit foolish sometimes but they were young when the war had been declared and they'd had to grow up so fast.. Having Bucky by his side made the fight so much easier. They were always in sync, always joined at the hip. Bucky knew what Steve needed and vice versa. Losing him had been the toughest thing he had had to go through, ever. Bucky was always there, until he wasn’t. There hadn’t been a time, apart the few months he went to Europe to fight without him, when Steve hadn’t been with him. He was a constant in his life until suddenly, he died. The face of him falling down would haunt him forever. Or at least for the next couple of minutes, until he’d turn into the haunter instead. There were a lot of things he wished Bucky knew before he’d died. Like, for example, that he was the closest thing to a brother he ever had. That he was thankful for all the times he came to pick up his sorry ass after a dumb fight in an alley in Brooklyn. That he was extremely proud of him. That he respected him. That he loved him, as much as brothers could love each other. He wished things had been different. He wished Bucky knew that it was love between them. Platonic, brotherly, but still, love. He hoped Bucky knew. Bucky probably knew. Either way, he’d surely find that out in just a few.

Would he at least go to heaven? Would he be accepted there or would he be sent to hell for all his sins? Were there a lot of them? Steve always thought himself to be one of the good guys, but goodness was a matter of perspective. It depended which side of the line you were on. What if the line wasn’t the same up there? What if he’d been on the wrong side all this time?

The water had risen a couple of feet in the few minutes he had spent reflecting on his life. It now kissed the soles of his boots, ready to engulf him in a cold wave. At least, he was lying down. He’d be so pissed if he died sitting on that damn seat. It was uncomfortable as fuck and it made him feel like he was the guy supposed to blow all of the American east coast. At least, here on the floor, he looked like he had given a good fight to prevent it from happening. At least, he looked like he was at peace with himself. Did it even matter? Probably not, but it made him a little bit peaceful. Peaceful, at last. He had everything he could have wanted before he’d go. He had Peggy against his heart. He had Bucky’s tag around his neck. He had the uniform that had helped him become what he was now. He had hoped it would have happened way later than that. He would have liked to see Brooklyn just one last time. But as the freezing water licked his calves and then his thighs, he found solace in the fact that Brooklyn would survive the war, thanks to him.

He felt his legs turn numb. He knew he could have got up and found a way to delay this as much as possible. He knew he could have tried to fight his way out, eventually. But what was the point in delaying the inevitable? Steve knew he was gonna die in this damn plane. It was his fate, apparently. So why exhaust himself if he was meant for this?

The next limbs to turn numb were his arms. He felt the coldness nibbling at him, like an animal would eat its prey. His chest was next. And when Steve felt the water lick his chin, he didn’t take a breath to last longer. He had had more than he could have imagined. He’d had Bucky. He’d had Bucky. He’d had closer friends than ever in the Howling Commando. He’d had fame during his tours as a dancing monkey.

Maybe Steve resigned himself. But he felt as ready as he could be, when his heart sped up even more as the biting cold water came to cover his face, before he felt it finally slow down.

This had been his choice. This had been his fight. He was ready to rest, now.


End file.
